Muggy Cha Cha
by The-Lime-Raven
Summary: The Lost Light has a queefing contest, because that's a thing. Will have another chapter based on my friend's choice. She doesn't like Transformers but this was entirely her idea. I'm so sorry.


for the bffs: queef queen and sor lord.

theres no clanging so if you came here with some queefing DURING sex fetish idk what to tell ya buddy.

* * *

"Rules are simple. We each go, one after another. Audience judges by applauding." Rodimus settled himself on the countertop. He spread his legs, resting each on a stool, but kept his panel closed. "Anyone who's not interested, door's over there."

"Hey, hey, hey. This is my bar! You can't order my paying customers around," Swerve objected.

Rodimus looked over his shoulder and opened his interface array. "I'm naked, that means I'm the boss."

Nautica shoved her way past Brainstorm, out of a booth, and to the front of the bar. "I'm in. Where do I sign?"

Rodimus patted the counter next to him. "Have a seat."

She pulled two scientists with her. Brainstorm perked his wings. Perceptor didn't bother acknowledging him nor Nautica and sat back down with a drunk Getaway. Then Drift walked in.

Rodimus spotted him immediately. "Drift! My favorite mech in the whole muktiverse." He hopped off the counter and grabbed his friend's arm. "You are just in time," he said as he waltzed him to the bartop, "To compete."

"For?" Drift asked. He stared at his friend's crotch.

"The _Lost Light Queefing Contest_. It won't be the same without you."

Drift had a resigned, distant look. He shouldn't have expected any less from his best friend.

Perceptor put a hand on Drift's shoulder. "You don't have to do this if you don't feel comfortable." He side-eyed the captain.

Drift removed the scientist's hand and held it. "Thank you for your concern, but I really am fine." He flashed a grin, and Perceptor found himself smiling back.

"I, too, will enter this contest. I shan't allow you to make a fool of yourself alone."

Rodimus looked left and right. Lined up was himself, Drift, Percy, Brainstorm, Skids, Nautica, and Whirl.

He frowned at the theoretician. "Go away, Skids. If you don't go first then you're cheating. You look too drunk anyway."

The outlier had clearly been at the bar for a while. He drooled over his seat. "M'just here for moral support." He hugged Nautica. She shrugged at Rodimus.

The speedster clapped loudly to get everyone's attention. "Everybody ready? Good. I'm going first, since I'm captain." He spread his valve lips with his fingers. He rocked back and forth against nothing until finally his valve trumpeted and sang. It was short, but loud and fast like a gunshot.

The captain left his plating open and smiled at the crowd. Everyone cheered, hooted, and clapped. "Thank you, you're all too kind. Who's next?" Rodimus locked eyes with Drift.

There was no way he could resist that wild grin.

"I am," Drift said confidently. He remained standing but lifted a leg on a stool. The audience went silent. Drift took a deep breath, then retracted his panel and queefed a sharp note.

Rodimus rested a hand on his back. "Woo! Nice one. Who can beat that?"

Perceptor, still by Drift's side, looked several of the gathered mechs in the eye. "I suppose I should have a go now."

His queef was long and high, like a whine, and ended in a _pomf_. Drift's congratulation was muffled under the crowd's approval.

Brainstorm cast a glance at his colleague. "Certainly I'll be worthy competition." He turned his stool and propped a foot on the counter. He spread two fingers inside himself, tilted his hips, and expelled an amount of air as boisterous and proud as himself. He waited for the clapping to die down before beaming at his friends.

"Oh, _please_. Camiens _invented_ queefing." Nautica didn't even need to use her hands. She parted her legs just enough to expose herself, swallowed air with sheer valve control, and pushed it out in a harsh _whoosh_. Teal folds fluttered at the expulsion.

Skids flung an arm over her shoulders and cheered. She whispered something in his ear and gave a playful shove. He faceplanted the floor.

Rodimus gave an impressed nod. "You're great, Nautica."

The purple mech almost joined the theoretician on the floor.

"May I join?"

The roaring laughter crashed like a wave and rippled into murmurs. The crew's other captain had arrived. Plenty of the participants were indifferent for the new Autobot. The audience was another matter.

Grapple whispered to Hoist, "I heard he crushes the spikes of bad partners with his own valve."

At the other side of the room, Rung smiled and shifted his weight to his other leg.

Silence filled the bar as Megatron parted his legs. Much like Nautica, he prepared himself without his hands. He leaned his weight on his arms behind him. His valve sang a glorious and robust queef rivaling the Camien's. "I've been known for my impressive cumfarts," the former Decepticon mused.

Whirl slammed a claw on the counter. "This is an outrage! How's a mech supposed to follow up that frellin' masterpiece. Frag." He wiggled his hips. "Gimme a moment. I'm gonna queef the hell outta you." Finally situated, he tilted his head back and a brassy gust of air left his valve.

"Ah yes. There we go. Not bad, am I right or am I right?"

The other contestants were mostly the ones who clapped for the helicopter.

Rodimus looked at the end of the bar. "Is this it? Because I don't want to end this with Whirl."

The mech in question folded his legs and brushed a claw lazily at the speedster. "Eh. I feel the same way. Who's next?"

Nautica saved the day. She saw a medic relaxing in a corner. "Velocity! Show these Cybertronians how a real mech queefs!"

Velocity finished her drink in one gulp and hurried next to the other Camien. "Alright, but you always were better than me at this."

Nautica swatted Velocity's shoulder.

"Listen up," Velocity retracted her plating. With no hesitation, she queefed loud enough to startle some audience members. She startled even herself when she saw her spike had extended itself.

"Oh scrap!" She hid it with her hands.

Nautica laughed and whistled.

Rodimus came over. "Nice piece. Can I get a ride sometime?"

Velocity choked on air.

He winked at her then spoke to the entire bar like he didn't just hit on another medic. "With that, the _Lost Light's Queef Contest_ is concluded! I expect everyone to have a favorite in mind. We will be deciding who's the winner shortly. Till all are one."

Glasses clinked between cheers.

* * *

i wrote down specifications and notes on what i needed to write. guess which ones i came up with myself and which ones the queef queen did:

lost light queefing contest  
roddys idea obvs  
someone talking about accidentally queefing and then everyones telling queefing stories and it escalates into a contest. probably with roddy wanting to prove something.  
labia fluttering in the wind  
robust queefs  
stench of summer sex  
queef so hard you pop a boner  
cornucopia of corn for celebration  
10 participants  
nautica claims camiens invented queefing  
skids has to go first because its cheating if he doesnt


End file.
